Crazy & Co.

Maserati Quattroporte, Sometimes You Need To Treat Yourself

21 June 2021

Over the years I have owned some crap cars. I remember a little Nissan Cherry, it wasn’t actually mine, my dad bought it as a second car, but it was that clapped out that my mam wouldn’t travel in it, so I sort of got left to use it at will. It ended up being in a 6 car pile up near the Metro Centre in the North East, so that was that.

Gradually over time, as business got better I ended up with a Jaguar X-type estate. I loved that car, but Ian, one of our event managers blew the engine up when I lent him it to go to London to see his girlfriend. Funnily enough he also blew the engine up in our mini camper van, and one of the London taxi cabs.

Dream Car

Over the years I always had a hankering for a Maserati Quattroporte. I think it is one of the most beautiful saloon cars ever made. The fact that it is a true four door 5 seater makes it an ideal family car, and the 440HP engine, limited slip diff and active suspension means it can hold its head up with many a performance car.

Eventually my wife got sick of me nagging about wanting one, and I convinced her we could also hire it out as a wedding car, so eventually she gave in and we acquired a gun metal grey version with black and cream leather interior. It was the executive version, with massaging, heated, cooled rear seats that also reclined. A nice touch, but to be honest one I never took advantage of as I always drove.

I owned that car for three years and loved it as much at the end of them as I did at the beginning.

Now, my wife isn’t one to swap a car in that is running OK, so imagine my surprise when she announced one day, “I think you should go and look for a new Maserati”. I was worried she had suffered an unnoticed anurism or was having a breakdown but she seemed fine. Looking back I had just received my pilots licence, so I think now, it was me mentioning I fancied a share in a small Cessna aeroplane, that got her thinking once I swapped my car in, it was an excuse to put me off an aeroplane for a few years.

Quattroporte 2

I ended up speccing the new model Quattroporte in Nero black with full black leather interior. It seemed a good idea at the time. The colour is absolutely fabulous, deep black, with large flecks of colour. When the sun hits it, it looks sublime. Unfortunately you would need to be cleaning it 24/7 to keep it looking that way. I have spent hours washing and polishing it to a gleam. Withing 30 seconds of hitting the road it looks like its been neglected for months.

For anyone thinking of buying their dream car all I can say is do it. Mine is totally impractical. I have had it as low as 3 m.p.g. on twisty roads with my foot down. Heck it will pass anything on the road except a fuel station. Things like tyres and consumables are an arm and a leg. And last about half as long as any other car I have owned. It is so big it doesn’t fit in parking bays. My wife hates it. But I don’t care, once I get in, fire it up and push the sports mode button, the engine roars. Sounding like a symphony of angels, floor the accelerator and it pushes you back in your seat, and all is right with the world.

Maserati Quattroporte Wiki

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Fun Story

Rover SD1, British Leylands Finest

21 May 2020

In the picture above is a blue Rover SD1, . My dad bought that when I was about 18. I remember it coming and thinking wow, its the same car as the police used. It sure did look modern and impressive for its time, and I think it was a European car of the year.

Now, truth be told, the impressive police version used Rovers venerable V8 power plant. Ours was the paltry 2 litre version. Which to be charitable was a bit asthmatic on the power front.

Once we started using the car I found it a mixed bag. The space and comfort was far superior to anything I had driven before. But its short comings soon became apparent. One advantage of the smaller engine version was that when you put your foot down less bits fell off inside. You would turn a corner and bits of interior trim would whizz pass your head. The fit and finish looked like Stevie Wonder had done the final quality control.

When Your Best Friends With The AA Man

During our Rover experience we were members of the AA. Which was quite fortunate seeing as quite often the car returned on the back of an AA transporter. I think in the end the AA wrote to us and told us that we were overusing their service and they were going to have to rethink our membership.

In the 3 years we owned it, it had 2 replacement engines. The second engine then had to have a total rebuild.

Other items failed at random intervals, the gearbox, differential, electrical components. In fact midway through our final year of ownership a fuse had blown for one of the electrical windows. When we looked to replace the blown fuse, we noticed that 2 were blown, so we changed them both. Suddenly after 2 and a half years we discovered we had central locking.

Fuel Pumps And A Work Out

One of the items that seemed to fail regularly was the fuel pump. This was a small cylindrical pump about the size of a bobbin of cotton. It lived in the actual fuel tank and would fail with depressing regularity. At the time it was about £200, which 30 years ago was a not inconsiderable sum.

My dad eventually got sick of paying for this and bought an electronic aftermarket pump that bolted on the side of the engine. At only £100 this was a nice saving.

I was out one day in the car towing a small tourer following dad, when the car once again chucked it. Because this was such a common state of affairs, It no longer caused a panic, and we carried a comprehensive tool kit in the boot.

Whilst investigating which of BL’s finest components had stranded me this day, an absolutely stunning woman pulled up behind me in a brand spanking new Jaguar sports car. Dressed to the nines she was walking down the side of my trailer when she asked, “Do you need a lift, you can jump in with me.”

As she actually reached me she suddenly realised that I was not only wearing an absolutely scruffy boiler-suit, but both my hands and face were scruffy. Some will say this was a rare occurrence for me to have engaged in manual labour, but we had just finished derigging at an event before hitting the road. As she took stock of me I could see her heart sink as she suddenly thought about her new leather seats. I smiled sweetly and thanked her but told her I could repair it. She made a feeble attempt to argue then beat a hasty retreat.

Electronic Genius

And you know what, I could fix it, my first business was building electronic control systems, so I had a good working knowledge of how electronic units worked.

What I managed to work out was how the pump worked. Basically when the ignition was turned on and power applied to the pump, the electric solenoid pumped once. As it pumped it broke a light beam on an optical switch. This immediately cut the power and the solenoid dropped, whereupon the light beam connected and supplied power for another pump cycle.

Unfortunately said opto switch was defunct, deceased, as dead as a parrot. But being a bit clever with electrics, I disconnected the positive feed. Tapped a wire on, and ran it through the door into the car. By tapping it on the cigarette lighter I could pump enough fuel to start the engine.

Trouble was whenever I came to an hill, the engine would splutter and I would have to tap faster. By the time I caught up with my dad, my left arm felt like it belonged to someone else.

I think I flagged my dad down and got my sister out of the cab of the lorry. She was promptly given fuel pumping duty.

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Fun Story, funfair events, General

Man Lost His Car After A Night Out In The Town

21 April 2019

A man from Ripley lost his car after a night out in the town. He found it the next day surrounded by a fairground. After driving into town for a night out, and having one too many drinks he then made a conscious decision to leave his car parked and find an alternative way home. He did not however expect to go back the next day to pick his car up and find that the fairground had come into town and was setting up in that exact location. Much to everyone’s amusement the car was found in the center of the fairground and the rides had been built up around the parked car.

There is nothing worse than waking up after a heavy night drinking to the worst hangover, the kind where you want to lay in bed all day and pop paracetamol to shake the headache off and eat your body weight in junk food to make you feel better but for poor forty five year old Martin Ross he had to get up and trek back into town to pick up his white Lexus and bring it home.

I could only imagine the fear you must feel when you drag your hungover body to town to walk down the street to find your car parking spot has turned into a full funfair. He said that after the initial scare had worn off he actually found it quite funny. When he was walking down the street and realised the fair was there he said his first thought was that his car had either been clamped or towed away. So once he located the car and realized it was still there and untouched he began to laugh.

Funfair workers find it funny

The fair workers found it a very funny situation but helped watch him out with the car. The car managed to escape by mounting the kerb and squeezing in between a tree and bus shelter.

Martin did manage to snap a quick photo of the cars situation to send to his friends and family. One of his friends immediately posted the funny photo and story to a social media page. ‘Spotted in Ripley’ Facebook page and received a lot of attention. One comment said how they thought it was absolutely brilliant, how a man from Ripley lost his car after a night out in the town. They also added how it made their ribs hurt from laughing so much when finding out.

Moral Of The Story of man from Ripley lost his car after a night out in the town

I think the moral of the story here is to make sure that when you’re parking the car for a night out make sure to check any events in the area the next day!! There’s nothing worse than a hangover, losing your car and having a fairground playing loud music around you.

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