Jarm69, Author at Crazy & Co.

Event Planning, Fun Story, funfair events, Funfair Rides

Nutcases, Organising Funfair Events & Killer Swans

2 December 2020

Originally we were traditional funfair operators. We then started to make the move into organising funfair events. Eventually we reached the point where we decided to specialise purely in corporate and private events. The sort where we don’t charge the guests, the person booking us pays a fixed rate.

But in between the two extremes, we had a period, where we were taking on paid work and traditional festivals, fetes, galas, in fact we would try anything.

Over time we found that only a small percentage of events ended up financially viable, but it was a steep learning curve. Two events in particular stand out from this period.

Peterborough Showground

We were contacted by a gentleman who was putting together a huge event (his words) at Peterborough Showground. This was to raise money for charity, he was expecting in excess of 50,000 people to attend, and the night would be highlighted by a set played by One Direction, fresh from winning whatever reality show they had won.

Arthur and I travelled to meet him. He had the spiel, and he ticked the boxes showing us the contract already signed for One Direction, so it looked pretty good. In hindsight, (that most wonderfully useless of skills) we should have been a teeny bit suspicious of his qualifications to run an event of this scale, when we had to help him jump start his 30 year old clapped out Fiat Panda, because it wouldn’t start. But hey, he might have been one of those eccentric promoters. We have in fairness dealt with multi millionaires before, who looked like a close relation to Greengrass of Heartbeat fame.

We sorted a deal out, and agreed to organise a funfair event on a grand scale, thrill rides, family rides, games stalls, catering, the kitchen sink and all.

The Big Day

I was at another event on the big day. So Arthur, my part time partner in crime was going to be in charge. We had attracted a number of other operators with our enthusiastic selling of the event, so we did have a big selection of equipment set up.

On the morning I received two phone calls. The first was from a mate Graham. He wanted to thank me for letting him attend the festival. As he had this theory you see, that the more portable toilets at an event, the bigger the crowd was going to be. He told me that the toilets were lined up as far as the eye could see, he was already planning his retirement to a Caribbean island based on what he was going to earn.

The Second Call

The second call came from Arthur and was rather more panicked. When I had calmed him down enough to talk rationally he came out with a classic line. “Do you know how many tickets he has sold for this event?”

In fairness I had no idea, I was hoping for something like 40,000 but I thought that really anything over 20,000 would be a major event.

“427”, was Arthur’s now icily calm statement.

“Shit, 427 thousand, the venue won’t take that many people, health and safety will shut us down.” Now I was starting to panic.

“No”, said Arthur, “Not 427 FU***NG thousand, FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY SEVEN, as in three digits, as in we are in trouble. He thinks that lots of people will just turn up on the day and pay at the gate”

Well, at least I wasn’t there, so Arthur would have to deal with everyone. Graham didn’t talk to me for quite a while after that. I think they ended up with an attendance of about 800.

The moral of the story is never trust a guy in a broken down Fiat Panda.

Ripon Racecourse

The second, followed a similar pattern. A guy called Simon was putting an event on at Ripon racecourse. Rennie, another part time collaborator, and I went to meet him. He laid out the plans, the army was coming, the navy, airforce, a massive classic car show, giant car boot. Not as impressive as Peterborough, but a nice sized localish event. We agreed terms and shook hands.

Now the night before we were due to set up, I attended an event in Glossop with a couple of children’s rides. One of them which was trailer mounted, had a wheel bearing collapse, and being a Saturday afternoon in a small town, I couldn’t source a replacement.

After the event, the AA refused to recover the trailer and instead got me a quote of £700 to take it the 40 miles back home. Bugger that, I ended up adjusting the towbar to take the weight off the back of the ride, and came home on three wheels. The last leg coming through the centre of Barnsley, I passed more bloody Police cars than I have ever seen, but thankfully whatever was going off kept them too preoccupied to notice my DIY three wheeler.

I arrive At Ripon

Because of the hassles at Glossop, I ended up getting home in the early hours of the morning. Because both Arthur and Rennie were going to be at Ripon, I decided to let them sort the layout of the event out and I would turn up later to set my equipment up.

By the time I arrived at Ripon, it was raining lightly. I rounded the corner and pulled into a field, containing a fair bit of funfair equipment and nothing else. No Army, Navy or Air Force, no car show or giant car boot. WTF

As I jumped out of my lorry, that nutcase Simon ran up, with no shirt on singing ‘Three wheels on my wagon’. I looked at Arthur who smiled, he felt he still owed me for Peterborough. “You’ll have to explain to everyone why there is nothing here and no bloody people this time.” says he.

Oh Lord, “Where is everything Simon, I enquired politely though gritted teeth.”

“Not sure he beamed, thought it would be here by now, but don’t worry.”

“why don’t worry what have you got up your sleeve?” I hopefully asked.

“Well nothing really, but it’s great to be alive. God loves us”, he was still beaming.

It was at that point I decided to move him nearer to God. Thankfully, for him, Rennie and Arthur grabbed an arm each and kept me rooted to the spot, Simon, oblivious to his rapidly shortening life expectancy trotted off to his refrain of singing in the rain.

Killer Swans

When I had calmed down enough for them to let me loose. I looked at them and asked what we were going to do. “Your in charge” said Arthur, “Up to you this time”. He had a matching grin to Simons.

Just at that precise moment, karma decided to intervene. Ripon has a population of swans in its lake. Now most of them stayed away from us all in the lake. But one swan, a bit more adventurous than the rest had decided to come check us out. We were stood there, a bit like the three stooges, when the said swan decided to attack. Well, to be more precise, he left Rennie and I alone, and set about Arthur.

Ha, he wasn’t laughing now, and I hadn’t realised just how big and aggressive swans could be. Arthur ended up running away. But for the rest of the day, whenever he stopped in one place too long, the swan would swoop in and attack. Funny, it never bothered anyone else, well except for the young lady who had just bought a chocolate bun from the coffee stall, she had unwrapped it and was staring at it longingly, when a head on a long white neck, came from over her shoulder and snatched it.

At Ripon we had only taken smaller attractions, so we just about covered our expenses.

We had a far more serious problem at another event Called The Great Yorkshire Carnival, but I am saving that for a future post.

If you would like to hire dodgems, games or any other attractions we can do that.

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Photo Booths

The 4 Top Christmas Photo Booths

28 November 2020

With the Christmas party season approaching, its time to start thinking of what you need to add some wow factor. Why not add a Christmas photo booths. Everyone loves their photo taking, well except for the bosses wife she hates it.

We have a selection of festive themed photo booths that will fit in with your party a treat.

Giant Snow Globe

This has been on the scene for a number of years now. But still proves popular at events over the December period. Basically it is a giant version of the little globes you used to shake up as a kid. Filled with artificial snow and a decorative backdrop. They come in various sizes from 3 people mini globes to our larger globes capable of taking group shots.

Giant Christmas Bauble

A variation on the original snow globe, this one is designed to look like one of those luxury baubles you see hanging on high end Christmas trees. This can take groups of 5-7 people, and the attached tag can be customised with your logo or lettering.

Charlie Xmas, Our London Taxi Cab

One of our popular London taxi cab photo booths, gets a makeover for Christmas, to become Charlie Christmas. With fake snow, Christmas tree, tinsel, wreaths and other decoration. This is great for those outdoor events, or indeed indoors if you have suitable access.

Christmas Themed Taxi Booth Hire Parties Weddings

Santa’s Sleigh Green Screen

This was brand new for the 2019 Christmas season. Specially built for one of our major corporate clients it proved a major hit. Capable of taking decent sized groups. With the green screen you have a selection of backdrops for any style of event.

Whichever Christmas photo booths you choose we can prepare a custom set up for you. With branding and extras to really give you party the wow factor

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Event Planning, Fun Story, funfair events, Funfair Rides

Educated Idiots. Health And Safety Fails

24 November 2020

As any responsible operator, we pay great attention to health and safety requirements. With regular testing required for funfair attractions and daily inspections whenever they are operated, our industry has one of the best safety records in the country. We also throw in additional testing beyond what is required by the H&SE.

Many people regard the HSE as an extension of the nanny state, a sort of legitimised semi Gestapo type organisation tasked with interfering. Having seen the shortcuts some of the cowboys take. I don’t think you can argue against needing a formalised organisation to make sure the rules are applied.

Unfortunately, like many times in life, the inspectors demonstrate that no matter how highly educated or trained they are, some of them are what can charitably be described as idiots.

Newcastle Hoppings

In the days when we still used to operate at public events. We used to attend the ‘Hoppings’, Europe’s largest travelling funfair at Newcastle Upon Tyne. We were there one year and I was controlling a flying chairs ride. You know the type, the kids sit in a suspended chair, and as the ride rotates, the chairs fly out.

Now, the safety guidelines required a lap belt. Which is what we had, but I was always worried that smaller kids could slip under this belt. So we fitted additional straps that came between their legs and attached to the lap belt to make a 3 point harness. This wasn’t a legal requirement, it was an extra we added.

Now, we only used this extra strap on smaller kids, as obviously it took extra time to fit when you were busy. One day a strap had worked loose. So I removed it, and only used that seat for bigger kids. We had 20 in all so this wasn’t hard to arrange.

An Inspector Calls

Anyway an inspector from HSE, pulled me to one side and told me she wasn’t happy with that strap missing. I explained to her that it was an extra, and that if she looked most kids weren’t using them. And I would only put large kids on etc etc etc, well you get the idea.

Her rather snotty reply was that she would shut the ride down if it was not reattached, as if they were fitted then all of the seats should have them. I thought for a moment and then asked, “If I remove the other 19 so none of them have them would that be OK?”

“Yes” was the reply. Hmmn so rather than have 19 seats with additional safety, she was now telling me she preferred none of them to have it. In the end I went and found a screwdriver and reattached it.

An Inspector Calls Again

Not 2 days later the same bloody woman was back. Now, there is a large book full of guidance for funfair ride design. One of the recommendations (note the word recommended), is that rides have a maximum of 3 entrances. On our chairs ride, we had 4 small gates, 2 to allow entry, 2 to allow exit. When not in use they were closed, so technically we only had 2 open at any time.

This genius came up and kicked off about there being 4. For some reason her grasp of the English language wasn’t good enough for her to understand that 3 was recommended, but not a legal requirement. I found that trying to reason with this idiot wasn’t working. In a fit of temper I grasped a large section of the safety rail surrounding the ride. Then threw it up the fair. Technically this left me with 2 small gates, and a large 20ft gap in the fence.

“1,2,3” I counted, “3 entrances, does that satisfy you?”

“Yes” was the FU***NG idiots reply. SO instead of 4 safe controlled gates, we now had a gap a whole herd of kids could run through into a fast moving ride.

After bringing my blood pressure under control, I calmly retrieved my section of fence, refitted it. Told the woman to go forth and multiply, and either fetch the Police to me. Or someone from her organisation who was in charge of the communal brain cells that day.

PC Plod

To give her, her due, she did what I asked and fetched the Police. I explained all that had transpired. To give him his due, he told her to go forth and multiply as well.

The moral of the story is, give someone a smattering of power and they will look very hard for reasons to abuse it. Power corrupts, and absolute power is even more fun. They are indeed what a friend of mine refers to as educated idiots, in that they possess a degree or two, but no actual sense.

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Catering, Event Planning, funfair events

The 5 Best Quirky Desserts For Your Wedding

21 November 2020

Over time the trend at weddings has been towards more quirky fun times. The food at a wedding is definitely one of the things people remember. A dessert is literally the icing on the cake. Here are the 5 best quirky desserts for your wedding.

Spanish Churros

The Spanish take on doughnuts. No holes in these, just long fluted fingers of crispy doughy goodness. Traditionally served with a thick hot chocolate, they are becoming more popular over here, with many people having first experienced them on Iberian holidays.

In addition to the standard Churros, we also provide an alcoholic version especially for weddings and events, but definitely not for kids.

Dutch Poffertjes

Little pieces of fluffy Dutch goodness. Poffertjes are mini Dutch pancakes, about the size of a 50p piece. They are not that well known over here, but are gradually gaining traction. The events we have attended with them, they have always gone down a treat. Traditionally coated in melted butter and sprinkles with sugar.

French Crepes

A better known dessert the crepe, is like a pancake, only much thinner. It is said that a crepe should be thin enough to read a love letter through. Watching a crepe being made is entertainment in itself. Being expertly twirled into a circle, then flipped over to bake both sides. Available with a selection of fruit and sauce toppings, with Nutella a firm favourite.

Belgian Waffles

The country that gave us Brussels Sprouts, (though we think they are the work of the devil), also gave us the fabulous waffle. A similar mixture to crepes, only much thicker, the waffle can be made in various shapes depending on the waffle plates being used. Another dessert that lends itself to Nutella.

Mini Doughnuts

Not a continental dessert this one, but still one of our favourites, mini doughnuts sprinkled in sugar with a selection of sauces and toppings.

Whatever type of wedding or party you are planning these are definitely The 5 Best Quirky Desserts For Your Wedding

Check out our other desserts.

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Event Planning, Fun Story, funfair events, Funfair Rides

People Less Able And The Funfair

19 November 2020

When I was learning to fly, there was another student I saw regularly called . A young girl mid way through her course. Occasionally she would turn up for a quick coffee in the pilots lounge with her young son in tow. He would do what most kids did, stick his earphones in and play on a game system.

Talking to her she eventually told me that her son was autistic. She said that up to the age of about 5 he had never spoke a word and she was resigned to him not speaking. Then one day, she said, I was really struggling, and I looked up to the sky and shouted please god help me. She said my son looked at me and said god can’t help you mummy he’s dead!

What a shock, turns out he had a full vocabulary and had just chose not to talk. Truth be told he seems a pretty normal kid, if you ask him something he will answer you, he doesn’t seem particularly like he wants to engage with you, but then I don’t think that’s much different to most kids that age.

I do know that there are different levels of autism and some kids function much higher than others. I think the problem is that the film Rainman, skewed the way a lot view the condition. Everyone expects them to have some savant level of genius. We used to do a job in a little shopping arcade in London, one of the shops was an art gallery for a guy called Stephen Wiltshire. It seems he can spend a few minutes looking at a scene, then draw it perfectly from memory.

Less Able Bodied Access On The Fairground

It got me thinking as to what issues people with some conditions faced on the modern fairground. I know various disability acts of law have meant that buildings and public places have been adapted to help. But I don’t think much has been done on in the funfair industry.

Truth be told, I don’t think is is financially viable to have say a thrill ride adapted for wheelchair users. Perhaps some of the giant wheels would be credible. They tend to have sloping decks rather than steps, and the cars on many are probably large enough to allow a wheelchair in.

But most of the modern high speed rides are built in such a way that it just wouldn’t be possible to squeeze a chair inside the carriage. To make physical changes to a ride, it would then need to be subject to a ‘Design review’, a complex and costly process to ensure the ride is safe in its new form.

Like many showmen I have helped transfer guests from their wheelchair onto a ride and back. Any operator would be more than happy to do that. I know it isn’t ideal for the customer, and I should imagine it can even be degrading, but I am afraid that its probably the way it will stay.

Special Nights

Many regular funfairs, both large and small, will hold a special night for people less able. Sometimes its advertised and its a sort of free for all, other times the operator in charge will actually contact local organisations and make it a more formalised arrangement.

I do remember one event, where a large group of guests turned up who didn’t have physical disabilities. I am not sure of their actual condition, but they were all really big guys. They spotted a little ride, meant for probably 5-10 year olds and for some reason really liked it. The trouble was as 20 large guys all plonked themselves down heavily in the seats at the precise same time, the poor little ride just folded up on itself. To be fair, it was a ride called the Buzz Bomb, usually these were built almost as a diy ride, just after the war. They used the external drop tanks off of Spitfires, which had the tops sliced off and seats installed. I don’t know if it ever actually made it back into use or it was scrapped.

Autistic Sessions

A number of events now are holding special sessions for autistic kids. They turn the music off on the rides, turn the lighting down, and reduce the speed so that they are not overloaded with sensations. They also keep a special chill out area available so there is somewhere to calm down if needed.

Obviously this is something that any fairground can make happen. It doesn’t require physical changes to the rides and can be organised easily and quickly.

Helping The Deprived

In addition to the less able bodied, fairgrounds will quite often distribute free tickets to the less fortunate. Those in care homes or schools in deprived areas.

It does bring to mind one incident though. We were at a fair in Wallsend, in the North East. A social worker brought a young lad down for a night at the fair. Now, this kid had been nicknamed in the press ‘Rat Boy’. There is a large dystopian structure called the Byker Wall. Its like a giant wall, but with flats built into it. It seems this kid had actually lived in the ventilation system. When a flat was empty he would climb through the ducts and rob it. The police had been after him for months and caught him the night before.

Anyway, this social worker put him on the dodgems ride. He promptly drove the full length of the dodgems. Stopped the car at the other end, jumped out and ran away up a bank.

Took the police another 6 months to recapture him. Reading a report, it seems they now call him Rat Man, as he is still on the rob.

If you would like to hire dodgems or other funfair attractions for special needs use, talk to us and we would love to help provide a package tailored to your requirements especially for the less able.

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Event Planning, funfair events, Funfair Rides

Hiring A Ferris Wheel

17 November 2020

Few rides are more iconic than the traditional Ferris Wheel, or big wheel as they tend to be called in the UK. But Hiring A Ferris wheel has a number of choices available.

The name derives from the wheel designed by George Washington Gale Ferris Jnr for the World’s Columbian Exposition in Chicago in 1893. There is some argument over this being the ‘original’ wheel as a certain William Somers installed 3 wooden wheels in parks in New Jersey and New York, a year earlier. A court case ensued which Somers lost, as it was ruled the Ferris wheel was sufficiently different to not infringe on his patent.

There are accounts from travelling merchants describing wheels in the Ottoman empire in the 17th century, so perhaps the real name should be ‘Ottoman Wheels!’

Whatever the true origins, big wheel hire is one of those traditional fairground rides that people associate with a funfair. Most of us will have ridden a wheel in our youth. Along with helter skelters, swing boats, dodgems and a carousel.

Wheel Sizes

The traditional type wheel is usually around 35ft in height with perhaps 16-20 cars. There are however even larger versions now available. These originally appeared on the continent, and were variously termed giant wheels, observation wheels or continental wheels. They tended initially to be erected in city centres or at theme parks and didn’t travel. Reaching huge heights, they were never really going to be practical to take to corporate events. Or smaller fairgrounds. A new breed of portable wheels have appeared that bridge the gap between the smaller UK wheels and the giant versions.

Whatever type or size you need we can supply and install a wheel to suit your event. Check us out for Hiring A Ferris Wheel.

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Fun Story

The Joys Of Flight

15 November 2020

And once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward; for there you have been, and there you would return.

A quote attributed to the great Leonardo Da Vinci about the joys of flight.

Whats that got to do with an events and catering company. Well nothing really. But thanks to Covid-19 rampaging around the world, the events industry has pretty much ceased to exist at the minute.

Which means there isn’t a steady stream of our misadventures and event related stories to write about. So, during the interminable lull in work, we decided to relate some of our personal stories instead.

A couple of Christmas’s ago, my significant other decided to treat me to a flying lesson as a Christmas gift. This, in her words turned out to be the worst 80 quid she ever spent, seeing as it ended up costing her bleeding thousands. Lol.

I enjoyed the lesson, but it wasn’t a case of wow, I need to fly. I actually fancied the technical challenge.

Now I admit, that the day I flew my first solo circuit, that changed to a feeling of wow, I love this. The day I made my first navex solo, (navigation exercise, basically flying away from my home airfield to another place and finding my way back), I really began to love it.

Not The Cheapest Hobby

As you can imagine it isn’t a cheap hobby. Lessons at the time were about £120 an hour. For your licence you needed to amass a minimum of 45 hours, 10 of which had to be solo.

In the event, I took I think 49, but that included a couple of night flying lessons which were an extra.

On top of the lesson costs, there is obviously some equipment that is needed, such as charts, a flight computer, ideally your own headset etc. In common with many other hobbies, you end up buying things which aren’t really necessary, but make flying easier or more enjoyable.

With the enforced down time I have had, a burst appendix grounded me for 6 weeks, just in time for the virus to hit and ground me till sod knows when. I decided to have a look at just what is in my flight back.

Flying for fun as a ppl holder (Private Pilots Licence), I don’t need to carry as much as a commercial pilot. So the lovely compact flight bag from Lightspeed was perfect for my needs. Although fairly small, it holds a surprising amount of kit.

Current Kit List

Currently it contains my flight log book from Aileron (a fabulous leather bound version my daughter bought me for Christmas). A selection of pens and a chinagraph (like a wax pencil that writes on anything). A fuel contamination testing kit, stall horn checker (saves a mouthful of flies cos the alternative is sucking the stall slot), my Lighspeed Zulu 3 headset, Bigatmo pilots sunglasses, aircraft safety checklist, navigation charts, Pooleys flight computer with protractor and ruler marked in nautical miles, handheld aviation radio (a backup in case both onboard comms ever fail), Smith and Wesson tactical flashlight with red light option for night flying, power pack for charging my ipad or pilot aware system, Garmin Virb camera to record flights, charging plug and leads for ipad, radio etc. And last but not least my trusty Leatherman multi tool, handy for emergency repairs.

There is also my kneeboard and Ipad flightpad which I use to run SkyDemon navigation software. Basically an aviation satnav, though much more sophisticated.

I also wear a Garmin Charlie D2 watch. Which contains a gps navigation system with a worldwide database of airports programmed in. Also providing a backup set of flight instruments, again adhering to my principles of having back ups of the backups.

My final bit of kit is a Pilot Aware system. Basically this transmits the position of my aircraft, whilst also receiving the positions of other similarly equipped aircraft. These are then displayed on my SkyDemon system. This helps warn me of aircraft in my vicinity that could pose a collision risk.

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Catering, Event Planning, Fun Story

7 Weird Ice Cream Flavours

12 November 2020

On our travels, and whilst developing our own range of favourite flavours, we cam across some really wacky and weird ice cream flavours. Here are a few of the bing boggling, or stomach churning examples.

Viagra Ice Cream

Evidently it caused a bit of controversy this one. The brainchild of a Welsh food inventor Charlie Harry Francis who created it for one of his A list celebrity clients. It is claimed that each scoop contains 25mg of viagra. Can’t see this one appearing on the shelves of Tesco.

Wasabi Ice Cream

Wasabi, that ultra hot Japanese delicacy made from a Japanese horseradish. This can be blisteringly hot on the palate, and is a firm favourite of our MD. We haven’t actually tried this one, and wonder if the coolness of the ice cream offsets the heat of the wasabi.

White Chocolate Banana Curry

Take a nice white chocolate melted with banana’s and fragrant Indian curry powder. It brings to mind Indian take outs and summer nights.

Goat’s Cheese With Red Cherries Ice Cream

An American concoction this one. Creamy goats cheese melded with the tart taste of roasted cherries. This one supposedly tastes like a cherry cheesecake.

Ghost Pepper Ice Cream

A strange blend this one, the world’s hottest chili pepper blended with a sweet peppermint ice cream. Definitely one for the spice lovers. As they say indulge at your own risk.

Squid Ink Ice Cream

From the land of the rising sun, another way out weird option. Squid ink ice cream. Purportedly this has a fishy taste and a shocking black colour. It was originally a novelty flavour but has become more of a staple option.

Horse Meat Flavour Ice Cream

Definitely not on the wish list this one, there is a reason that horse meat should be kept in dog food.

If you want something a little more traditional for your wedding or event rather than these weird ice cream flavours then check out our boutique ice cream hire carts.

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Fun Story, funfair events

Oktoberfest, Old Nazi’s And Customs Officers

10 November 2020

Tales Of Misadventures

A few year ago I started importing lights from a German company. They were based at a little village called Waakirchen in Southern Germany, not far from Munich.

The first order I picked up was for about 5K worth. So being the initial order I decided to drive down and collect them. The Munchen Oktoberfest was on at the time, so I decided to go for a few days and visit the event. A good mate of mine told me he would come with me so I booked a crossing from Hull, the plan being to drive the 1200 kilometers over the first day.

At the time I had a little clapped out Nissan Cherry. It was that bad when my dad bought it, that my mother wouldn’t ride in it. I loved it, it was like a little rally car, I ended up spreading it up the A1 just outside the Metro Centre in a 6 car pile up.

A Pile Of Cash

Now a the time, being young, and skint, I didn’t have the money readily available to pay for these lights. So the deal with my customer was that he put the money in the bank before I left. As we were loading up the car to set off, he turned up in person, apologised for not loading my bank account for me, and gave me a bag with the cash in. I shoved it under the seat and we set off.

Arrival In Deutschland And Cool Fräuleins.

When we arrived in Munich, we had a bit of trouble finding an hotel. The fact that the cities biggest event was in full swing meaning hotel rooms were in short supply, hadn’t occurred to us. We eventually managed to find a doss house in a seedy part of the city. I admit when we got in the room and it was decorated with what would now be termed LGBT posters, and the leaflet on the bed had times for the live sex shows in the hotel we were a bit perturbed, but hey, two single lads we were out on the town.

We found a rather nice little bar, pretty much empty but we had just drove 1200 KM and needed a drink. The two barmaids were absolute stunners, tall blond Aryan goddesses. I had learnt some pidgeon German, you know how to order a beer, tell a girl she had beautiful eyes, that sort of thing.

So I hit them with the full charm, like focused laser beams, thought it would knock them bandy. Bloody nothing, not even a smile. FFS we were going to have our work cut out here. I know they were supposed to be cool and Teutonic and all, but this was icily arctic.

By now the bar had filled up, when I turned round and actually took notice, it was full of young men sat kissing each other. Aah, perhaps the barmaids lack of response was for a reason.

After a bit of a pub crawl we headed off to our hotel.

The Oktoberfest

At the time, it was widely considered that the continental fairground attractions were a few years ahead of the best the UK had to offer. When we hit the Oktoberfest, we realised they were a couple of decades in front. Everything was just, bigger, faster, moderner, better decorated.

We had a full day there, including sampling their beer served in those bloody Steins, jeez, its a wonder they are not a nation of alcoholics.

After we had our fill, of the Oktoberfest and the beer. We headed back to the hotel. I had parked our car out the front of it, and just as we set off to the festival, I had opened the boot to retrieve my coat. Setting off back I put my hand in my pocket and realised I no longer had the keys. I asked Matthew if I had given them to him, I hadn’t as it turns out, I had left them in the lock of the boot. A bloody car thieves Christmas present. With 5K of someone else’s money under the drivers seat.

Feeling sick as a parrot we got back in double time, to find the car still there, with a note under the windscreen wiper saying, “Found your keys, left them in the pub over the road!”, in English to boot. Imagine if that had been say Sunderland. There would have been a note on the empty parking space saying found your keys left your car in the river Wear thanks for the cash.

Adolf And The SS

We successfully collected the lights and stuff without further incident. As we weren’t in a hurry we had a more leisurely drive back towards Holland. Coming across a really small rest stop, we decided to have a quick drink. We parked up and went to the two ladies manning it. They were rather abrupt and told us that they didn’t in fact open for 20 minutes. An elderly gent sitting at a nearby table asked us if we wanted a drink. When we nodded he gestured for us to follow him. Being 17 and a bit naive we did so.

He took us to a house over the road and down into the basement. Which happened to be a fully kitted out bar, something that would put some commercial establishments to shame. He poured us all a beer. While Matthew was trying to make small talk with the guy, I wandered around the room. One wall was covered in photos and I was interested to see them. When I got close up, it turns out they were all framed pictures of Adolf Hitler with groups of SS men. The largest photo had Adolf stood with a young officer. I couldn’t be certain but it looked a little like the guy who had brought us down there.

Having recently seen the film Boys from Brazil, and in my teenage imagination expecting a guy with a dentists drill to pop out any minute. I hurried Matthew along, thanked our host and we lived to tell the tale.

Took All This Lot For A Holiday Did We Sir

When we reached dear old blighty, we disembarked the ferry and set off towards the immigration sheds. Now, if you have ever done this, you will know there are two lanes. Goods to declare, and nothing to declare. I promptly drove into the nothing to declare side.

An officer stopped me with a wave of his hand. “Are you aware sir, that this is the nothing to declare lane.” all very polite and congenial.

“I certainly am officer”, says I with my most respectful grin.

Now I should say at this point, that the pile of equipment we had purchased whilst in Germany filled the car to the roof. In fact the seats were pushed as far forward as they would go so we could fit everything in.

“So you have nothing to declare son, is that correct?” he retorted.

“Yup” says I. “Oh, so you have taken this lot for a holiday to the Oktoberfest have you, Bloody well pull over there and don’t move till I come see you”, well, his politeness didn’t last.

We sat there for the best part of an hour whilst everybody else disembarked. When he finally came to see us he had a more authoritarian attitude.

“Now son, would you like to explain why you don’t think you have anything to declare when your car is full to the gunnals?”

“Yes says I meekly, here is my receipt, as you can see I paid VAT in Germany for everything, and as their rate is higher than ours, I don’t need to pay you, sir”

Oh his face was a picture, he basically told us to piss off home.

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